Rabbi's Musings

Writing about the role of government, New York Times columnist David Brooks once observed, “One of the odd features of …[some politicians is the]… inability to learn what politics is about. It’s not about winning arguments. It’s about deciding which arguments you are going to have.”
This is a very important observation. So often we argue about something without determining whether or not the argument is worth conducting. So much wasted energy on things that don’t matter. I once had a teacher in rabbinical school who suggested that the philosophy we call “choose your battles wisely” was cynical but I disagree. It is efficient.

A friend of mine who works for the Kellogg School of Management once taught me that “the essence of strategy is denial.” In other words, in a world of limited resources, we define who we are by the choices we don’t make. And one key choice is which arguments not to fight.

George Washington practiced this approach. “Avoid a general Action,” never “put anything at Risque,” he declared. This 1777 strategy was the only way he could win the war. He chose his battles carefully, and that’s why we don’t speak today with British accents!

The ancient Rabbis believe that at times arguments are justified. But they have to be for the right reasons. And what exactly are the right reasons? When should we argue? And when should we fight?

Remember the story of King Pyrrhus? It’s about the war that was fought between Greece and the Roman Empire in about 280 BCE. During that war, the King launched his men into a battle against the Romans. They ended up winning the battle, but they suffered enormous losses. The casualties were so high, in fact, that they devastated his army.

After the battle, King Pyrrhus told his advisors that one more such victory would undo him… He was right because he was unable to rebuild his army’s strength. This victory came at a devastating cost to King Pyrrhus. He may have won the battle, but in the end, he lost the war.

Although the concept of a pyrrhic victory comes from a military event, it has many practical implications for our daily lives.

So how do we choose our battles wisely? We should remember these points:

1. We should ask ourselves: what is the goal we want to obtain?
2. We should see if there is a better way to handle the issue. Having an argument with our spouse with others present may not be avoidable but usually is. Think about how that might be done the next time it happens.
3. The old adage of counting to ten before speaking is a very wise one. Never underestimate the power of reflecting before action.
4. The best way to choose our battles is, whenever possible, to redefine a battle as something else. There will be times when arguments should happen, but most of the time we would be better off keeping silent and pondering our role in the conflict. And sometimes, we can redefine the conflict as one not between ourselves and others but between our higher principles and our ego-driven needs.